im so lost.......

[EvanFullwood]

Alright guys, i need to rant..
So tonight finally my first FREE night in forever, so i go out to the monday night K.I meet, thinking i was gonna have myself a good ole time with the people i havent seen in a while.....wrong. As usual something goes wrong.
I get a call from my dad, saying my grandma collapsed and couldnt breath, and had to call 911, to get her to the hospital....So i haul ass to the E.R. Made a 45-60 minute drive in 15 minutes, in a slammed blown out strut crx.....
Here's my dilemma, i guess you can call it that.....
I get there, and finally after an hour wait, we get to see her..Yes she is doing good now, breathing is stable and such, they had her on an oxygen machine.
The preacher came, and some more people that are close to the family..
They started to pray, and i just kinda, turned away.....
What im getting at here, is... I dont know if i believe in god or not, and i dont even know how to go about that, My grandma always told me that god will be there, and is always helping...But i have a hard time believing it.
And i feel horrible when the preacher comes over, and everyone says a prayer, because im just there like.{confused}.
And then tonight, they told me that im in the prayer book at church, and i didnt know what to say......
I dont know how to even begin to try to find out if "god" is real, and right now its bothering me so much, because my family all believes.
I feel that, maybe all the bad luck that i have, is because i cant believe, or if everything that ever happens, is because i dont believe.
I know my grandma will be fine, she always is. Im just so confused....
I had to leave the hospital, i cant stand seeing someone i love sitting there in the hospital bed, hooked up on oxygen and everything... it just kills me inside....
I feel terrible that i wasnt there when my uncle passed, because i cant stand seeing family in the hospital, i feel worried that this situation might turn into the same thing, but i highly doubt it...
The hospital is going to keep her overnight, i know im not going to get any sleep until tommorow, prob wont end up going to work......Im just so confused and worried.
The sad thing is, im conforting myself by drinking{others}

[deddth]

hm. where do i start.

first of all, i understand your situation. it's not easy seeing a loved one on the verge of death and the only thing one can do is an impotent look.

i can see the wrath against god. i don't judge it, no one should judge that. its your own process to stay angry or reconcile with it. i won't tell you what to do, what choice to make. its going to take you some time to figure it out.

what i'm trying to say is, be there for her. believing in god or not, just be there for her. that's what's important. a prayer is just a prayer. now, a company, a helping hand, that's another. and that's the one you should give.

life is a gift. but gifts can also be a burden. ours is to smile or suffer.

if you feel like suffering, do it. cry. you won't be less of a man by doing it.

drinking is no good right this moment. hiding the pain isn't the solution. you need to feel the pain, because that's the gift of life.

i hope i gave you some confort. if you need to talk, pm me your cellie. i'll talk to you tomorrow. i need to get some rest.

[deddth]

so evan, how are you feeling today?

[burnoutboy]

I gotta say I'm surprised at hom much I agree with edd's post. Coming from the opposite end of the religious spectrum I dont know where I would be without God and my personal belief and relationship with Him.

That said I think his advice to your current situation is spot on. You need to be there for your famil man. I know it can be hard but your mere prescense will help to will your grandma back to health.

Hope you're feeling better today and stay off the slosh until you get a clear head. Muddying the waters just makes it so you cant see whats below the surface. It doesnt make whats down there go away.

[burnoutboy]

BTW FWIW Matthew 18:11 For the Son of Man has come to save that which was lost.


Dont give up on God. Faith means believing in that which cannot be proven. It is only human nature to doubt. I wont go into a sermon here but you can PM me anytime if you want to talk further about anything.

[toddnos]

Sorry to hear of your situation dude.
Keep your head up, and find God in your own way.
What works for me is a chapter a day from the bible.
Beginning to end.
Its simple.
Ive been doing it for years. I miss some days, but strive to always read.
You wont understand everything, but the reading is what its all about.

[EvanFullwood]

yea guys im feeling alot better today, shes doing excellent,. still in the hospital until they figure out why exactly it happen. It was determined she had congested hear failure, so they gotta figure out why it popped up
But yea, last night was a BIG down night for me, i havent felt that depressed since iw as a teenager....
But yea family is doing good.
i got a fortune cookie today that said "This is a time to be cautious, but not a time to worry" Kinda cheered me up for some reason

[deddth]

glad that you're doing better.

[91B20ED]

i hope everything is ok evan. im sure sheell be fine. im not a religous person so im going to leave the subject alone.